ABU Person who foolishly disagrees with Sir Alex Ferguson's God-given right to win any football match his team contests.
Ace Catch-all term of reference for footballer in tabloid headline or report. Usually preceded by another adjective, as in 'want-away ace', 'hat-trick ace' or, more commonly of late, 'roasting shame ace' and 'drink-drive shame England ace'. Often, 'ace' is used to denote an individual not even in the senior squad, but clearly 'Manchester United youth player who'll be playing for Motherwell within six months' doesn't have quite the same ring.
Acting Profession with a fatal lure for footballers. The results are invariably pitiful. See: Beckham, David; Cantona, Eric; Jones, Vinnie
Adebayor, Emmanuel Touted as the 'New Thierry Henry', the 'New Kanu' and the 'New Didier Drogba'. Except by Nicklas Bendtner, who refers to him as the 'New Duncan Ferguson'.
Adams, Tony Thirsty arm-raising stopper turned soul-bearing bore, trainee pianist and hyper-earnest football manager.
AFC Bournemouth Trick answer to the question 'name the first English league side alphabetically' (pre-Accrington Stanley's return, of course). Nickname The Cherries, whiff of Redknapp about the place. Unfortunately not Louise.
Afters Synonym for pudding, but also for the tasty after-effects of physical challenges or the row that follows a hard tackle. Usage in decline? Often served up by Midfield terriers.
Agents Shadowy figures who are bleeding the game dry by exploiting footballers for financial gain, according to club chairmen. Not at all like chairmen, then.
Agent, Super Despite what the name suggests, a sadly unheroic figure that lurks around hotels, totally coincidentally bumping into managers/players and tapping them up.
Aggro Like the Atari, fondue sets and wife-swapping, was considered a totally socially-acceptable weekend activity in the average 1970s suburban town. Now the preserve of a select few.
Air, Donna Legendarily stupid TV bimbette (asking The Corrs how they met, etc, etc) who nevertheless observed that, having gone out with Jason McAteer, "I wouldn't date any more footballers - they're not the brightest of people."
Ajax Dutch club, annoyingly mispronounced as 'Eh-Jacks' by David Pleat et al.
Albania Truly rubbish European country who seem to crop up as England qualifying opponents with some regularity. Most famous for having Norman Wisdom as national hero.
Alcohol Colourless liquid that is a vital ingredient of the professional athlete's post-game recovery programme and, shortly after that, a vital ingredient in a sexual assault inquiry.
Aldridge, John Liverpool striker bought as replacement for Ian Rush, mainly because he looked exactly like Ian Rush. Famous for becoming first man not to stick away a penalty in the FA Cup Final and being eight times winner of Merseyside's prestigious 'Scousest Looking Scouser Of The Year' award.
Alex Towering Chelsea defender from Brazil who chose his one-word moniker in honour of the Daily Telegraph's amusing city cartoon, which he used to read every day as a child growing up in the favela.
Allardyce, Sam (Big Sam) Jowly-faced manager previously thought of as possible England boss. No longer touted, due to a) suspicions of dodgy dealings and b) turning out to actually be a bit rubbish. Which, considering previous incumbents have included a) Terry Venables and b) Steve McClaren, seems strange.
'All Day, All Day' Footballing expression denoting the ease with which one team is controlling a game. The witticism derives from the Pet Shops Boys nu-disco whimsy 'Domino Dancing'.
Allison, Malcolm Manager feted for tactical awareness, revolutionary training methods, hat. Declared Man City would "terrify the cowards of Europe" in 1968/69 European Cup before first-round defeat by Fenerbahce.
Almunia, Manuel Spanish goalie set to disprove the claim that England are incapable of producing a serviceable international goalkeeper, mainly thanks to the coaching of his French manager and his inspirational German rival.
Ambition Has a usage peculiar to football in which it is a synonym for 'higher wages'. As in, "I want to move to a club with ambition."
Ambulance, A F****** What away fans of 1970s and 1980s were going home in. See: Aggro
Ameobi, Foluwashola ('Shola') Newcastle striker who, when asked what nickname Wor Sir Uncle Bobby had given him, replied: "Carl Cort."
America Country that, although previously thought to have no interest whatsoever in football, is now churning out 'fans' at an alarming rate, all of whom seem to be buying up Premiership clubs with a view to turning them into global sporting powerhouses. And not, in any way, to asset-strip them or siphon money out to prop up other failing elements of the owner's cheesecake and Frisbee empire.
Anderton, Darren Permanently injured former midfielder much beloved of Terry Venables. Looked like Shaggy of Scooby Doo. Chatted up a girl in a bar by telling her "my watch cost three grand".
Anelka, NicMany-transferred sulky striker who never seems to stay anywhere too long. Holds world record for total transfer fees over career - £87million. It is an inalienable rule of football life that any prospective manager must stress that he's "not worried about Nicholas' reputation".
AnfieldHome of 44,000 natural wits.
Angle, Narrowing Of Technique used by goalkeeper to reduce an attackers' options for a shot. Now known as 'the goalkeeper making himself big' for reasons of comedy.
Aplomb As in 'Titus Bramble brought the ball under control, turned and fired it into the net with aplomb'. One of those words you only ever really hear in football. Nice.
Appallin 'Word used with relish by Alan Hansen whenever a team defends badly. The 'g' is silent, as is the 'I was better than this shite'. See: Diabolical, Terrible, etc.
Arbroath Scottish team who once beat Bon Accord 36-0 and about who nothing else is known.
Argies Tabloid favourite, a tinpot nation of diving strikers, thuggish defenders and flag-waving nationalist morons. Invasion of someone else's territory sparked off the Falklands War. Or is that us?
'Argies Stole My Leg' Magnificent Daily Sport headline from 1998 about a disabled England fan whose prosthetic limb was cruelly and forcibly removed from his person when he found himself in the wrong end at the St Etienne Big One.
Aristocracy, Footballing A loose term for the country's bigger clubs - inexplicably still includes Tottenham.
Army, Ally's Supremely confident Scottish team of World Cup Argentina 1978. Returned home after three games.
Arse, In Off His Phrase commentators wish they could use when instead of 'the ball was bundled over the line' etc.
Arsenal Football club which is, despite all outward appearances, based in England.
Art Means of expression by using creative imagination, esp. in production of aesthetic objects. Inspired noted critic John Gregory to wonder: "What the f**k is art? A picture of a bottle of sour milk lying next to a smelly old jumper? What the f**k is all that about?"
Asprilla, Faustino Colombian football genius and all-round mentalist whose like we have not seen again. Fondly remembered for voice-activated pocket translator with which to wow ladies of Newcastle, murky connections, fur coat and hat-trick against Barcelona.
Atalanta Medicore Italian outfit remarkable only for not being, as the name suggests, in America.
Atkinson, Ron ('Big Ron', latterly 'Big Wrong') Manager-turned-pundit famed for Bigness, orange tan, jewellery, failing to win title while at Man United, lexiconographical adventurism and, more recently, racist remark. Inventor of the language Ronglish. See Holly, Buddy; Doors, Early; Eyebrows, Little; Stick, Back; Toe, Tic-Tac et al.
Austria Crap European country that we never wanted to go to anyway.
Award, Academy A prestigious trophy given for exceptional playacting, diving or faking of injury. From the Ronglish, almost exclusively used in reference to a foreign, ideally Latin, player. See: Ronaldo, Not The Real
