Working on weekends

I'm at work and its saturday. Fuck.

Here's a little thing which appropriated off the boys at F365 about Tottscum fans.

Thinking of taking up this trendy new thing they call football-supporting, but not sure what team it would be best to pick?

Perhaps you're a politician anxious to appear in touch with your otherwise slightly-embarrassing grass-roots voters, or you're looking for a way to intimidate the rough crowd down your local squash club.

Whatever the reason, Football365 is here to help. Cast an eye over our handy checklist. If you answer "Vass me, innit guvnah," to five of the ten questions, read on for our cheat sheet, and off you go...

Checklist1. Do you sell 'knock-off' mobiles and nylon holdalls from a market stall, and like to wear gold sovereign rings along with so much hairgel you look like you spent last night on the receiving end of an endless succession of money-shots?
2. Are you looking for a club that, despite its lack of any measurable success, has the misplaced air of superiority usually only seen on shop assistants who work in designer clothing stores?
3. Could you find yourself drawn to a team whose famous fighting spirit leads to their being nicknamed The Lilywhites, after the colour of the flag they run up as soon as the other side score?
4. Would you enjoy smugly insisting that playing football 'the right way' is more important than winning trophies - except when you scrape a Milk Cup final win with a team of Wimbledon cast-offs, led by the dour former manager of your hated local rivals?
5. Are you charmed by a club so desperate to appear successful that it lists the Peace Cup, a pre-season tournament run by Moonies, among its official honours?
6. Do you like the idea of a club with a tradition of stylish football - even if it's based on a throw-away quote and a one-off season, 46 years ago, since which point they've been in a period of transition and rebuilding?
7. Similarly, could you fall in love with a club whose self-proclaimed tradition of free-flowing, stylish football has bequeathed to the world such celebrated names from the pantheon of all-time creative geniuses as Tim Sherwood, Steffen Freund, Stuart Nethercott and Justin Edinburgh?
8. Do you live next door to someone who's far more successful, attractive and popular than you, so that you wake up each morning consumed with bile?
9. Are you hoping for a life of constant fear, knowing that, even if you're 3-0 up with 20 minutes to go and the opposition down to nine men, you'll still be biting your nails because one goal conceded invariably means you'll lose 5-3?
10. Or how about a life based on laughable superstition, such as one that insists, despite ever mounting evidence to the contrary, that your new team always wins a trophy if the year ends in a one?

Hello...The Phone-In Phrases"Hi Alan, essentially I'm ringing to say whatever happened to the good old glory-glory style of the Spurs of old, eh? That up-and-at-'em spirit that swept all before it - I mean I know I wasn't alive to see it, after all I'm only 45, but I'm told by many of my fellow fans that we were really quite something and I jolly well think it's time we got back to that principle. I mean who cares if we lose, I'd rather watch a good game, wouldn't you, after all we're all at the heart of things basically football fans, that is, fans of football..."

"Look Jol's got it all wrong. AGAIN. We need more arty-farty, lightweight types who drift in and out of games and disappear entirely if anyone barges them about a bit. We don't want any of these tough-tackling, workmanlike midfielders because TACKLING'S NOT THE SPURS WAY, right?"

"Hello? I just wanted to say that I think basically this season we miss Carrick. Oh, and Hoddle and Pat Jennings and Danny Blanchflower. And we miss only having to play 15 matches all year. But we were still ROBBED last year, right? It was a conspiracy! We should be in the Champions LEAGUE! We were POISONED by those BASTARDS at the FA who want David Dein and his MATES at Arsenal to...Hello? You still there?"

Get The AccentJust think your way into the head of a Catherine Tate teenager - or one of the Beales out of Eastenders.

You Are The Pundit"Well it was a simple ball really wasn't it Gary, along the ground, right up the middle of the pitch and the Spurs midfield and defence just stood and watched and then Robinson hit the deck like a faulty Weeble and there it was, 4-3, what a comeback, but I mean you have to wonder whether they really care, these Spurs players."

Club HistoryTottenham Hostpur Football Club was formed by renegade artists and poets and philosophers, who thought that their former institutions lacked artistic and creative purity. It was named after Sir Harry Blanchflower Hotspur, a minor character in Shakespeare's Dixon of Dock Green.

How To Fit In With A Single Sentence"Look, if you ask me Jol's just got to go, 'e's taken the team as far as 'e can and 'e's tactically naïve...hang on, have we scored... I've changed my mind, alright - the guy's a genius man - oh WHAT whass 'appened now...oh, you are KIDDING me right JOL has GOT TO GO."