Fabregas, Cesc - Brilliant midfielder who added "total disregard for own safety" to his list of attributes when trying to step to Mark Hughes after bad tempered match.
Faint - What WAGs do in nightclubs when the papers can't definitely, categorically, prove that drugs are involved. See Exhaustion, Nervous and Infection, Kidney.
Fair Play Award - Given to Premiership teams who aren't very good at all so they can enjoy a nice couple of trips to Albania and Luxembourg before getting knocked out of the UEFA Cup by someone like Rennes.
Fair, To Be - What Peter Beardsley always, always is. See Obviously, Well.
Fans - Blight on the game, but nevertheless a traditional revenue source. Plans to phase out by 2050, when robots with urge to spend £500 per week on merchandise will come on-stream.
Faroe Islands - Small, part-time, amateur international football team, once embarrassed by draw with Scotland.
Fashanu, John - Burly striker who, fortunately, nailed down the nickname 'Fash The Bash' before his tragic brother.
Fayed, Mohammed - Shopkeeper, football fan and conspiracy theorist with aim to make Fuggham the biggest club in the land and prove that Chris Coleman killed Lady Di.
Ferdinand, Anton - Poster boy for Baby Bentley culture and all-round plonker.
Ferdinand, Rio - Defender who sometimes forget where he has to be, both in terms of positioning on pitch and in weeing into a cup.
Ferguson, Sir Alex - Angry Scotsman whose managerial achievements include nine Premiership titles, five FA Cups, three Scottish League titles, one UEFA Cup and one European Cup. Also noted for community and charity work, providing bed and board to such unfortunates as John O'Shea.
Ferguson, Barry - Midfielder who bucked the trend of all other fighty Weegies by making it Doon Sooth and then actually deciding to return to Glasgow.
Fiorentina - Former club of Baggio and Batistuta, relegated to the Italian equivalent of the Isthmian due to financial disasters, also invented a type of pizza.
Fisticuffs (usually 'Bout Of Fisticuffs') - The amusing spectacle of two footballers trying to have a fight and instead just camply smacking each other like a pair of squabbling schoolgirls. See Handbags.
'Five Star Performance' - Phrase used in tabloids when a team has won a game scoring five goals. See Four-midable; The Joy Of Six; Seventh Heaven.
Flamini, Mathieu - Not, as name suggests, a New York City Meatpacking District cage dancer, male stripper or Naples gigolo, but - in fact - something altogether more mincy: an Arsenal midfielder.
Flanks - Territory of a Good Old Fashioned Winger
Flapping - See Robinson, Paul.
Flitcroft, Garry - Footballer most noted for terribly ill-advised attempted gagging order. The thought of Garry at it with a stripper was proven in court sufficient to make most right-thinking people gag.
Flo, Jostein - Former Sheff Utd beanpole whose name always makes one want to double check spelling.
Flo, Tore Andre - Robocrouch v1.0
'Flying Dutchman' - Tabloid phrase for any speedy player from the Netherlands. Also see variation Non-Flying Dutchman, for Dennis Bergkamp.
Football, American - Ridiculous sport played, as name suggests, with the hands.
Football Focus - Ray Stubbs-fronted preview showed largely based on chumminess and inevitable features on, e.g., postman who is part-time winger for FA Cup third round minnows.
Football Special - A type of train used at weekends that would have the RSPCA up in arms, were it to be transporting live veals.
Foreigners - Suspicious types who are Ruining Football by preparing for important football matches with pasta and mineral water rather than pints of WKD, a KFC and a spot of sexual assault; can trap and pass the ball - and even speak coherent English.
Forest Of Legs - A poorly maintained Danger Area that has been allowed to overgrow.
Fortune-West, Leo - One of those footballers who isn't as posh as he sounds. See Noel-Williams, Gifton and Reo-Coker, Nigel.
Foster, Steve - Headband!
Foulke, William (Fatty) - Britain's fattest-ever keeper... until dotage of Big Nev.
Fowler, Robbie - Fancy dress expert, Le Suax baiter, mimed sniffing, fat arse, former goal machine, now property magnate, supported dockers, never did it for England, had funny nose attachment (nothing to do with sniffing mentioned above).
Fox, Ruel - Lively little Spurs winger, known to friends as 'Cruel'.
France - Nation of brilliant footballers whose citizens, annoyingly, don't even seem to particularly like football.
Francis, Gerry - Magnificently-barneted former QPR and Spurs manager.
Francis, Trevor (Tricky) - Britain's first million pound player, turned gloomy manager and pundit who often seems genuinely hurt by what he is watching.
Free, Leaving On A - The last recourse available to a player when he realises, with a heavy heart, that the "club's ambition does not match his own" and he must, "for the sake of his career", move on. See Money, They'll Pay Me More.
Free, Released On A - What happens when a footballer is so crap the club would rather pay up his contract than have him cluttering up the place and risk his uselessness rubbing off on other players.
Free Role - Position between midfield and attack for forwards too slow or old to be proper strikers. Often "revelled in". See Role, The Teddy Sheringham.
F**k Off - Customary under-breath witticism to ref after booking.
Fuel - What today's players "take on board" rather than dull old "eating food". See also Habits, Refuelling.
Fulham - Unfashionable West London club miraculously lifted from second bottom in Football League to Premiership mediocrity by Mr Fayed. Michael Jackson attended match v Wigan in 1999. Not a youth team one, thankfully.
'Full Backing' - What the Board gives a manager shortly before sacking him. See also Confidence, The Dreaded Vote Of
Full Flow - Commentator term for state entered by Manchester United teams when playing well, and Sir Alex Ferguson when teams playing badly or referee has temerity to give a decision against them.
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