Much appreciation to the blogger who inadvertently changed my life Darp for this guide.
The Homophobe's Q&A Survival Guide to Gay Bars and Clubs.
Every once in a while, the straight Australian male must come face to face with real life homosexuals. This usually happens in places where the decision to interact with them is out of our hands, like the workplace, on a Qantas flight, a home deco store or Sydney.
But what if you were put in a situation where you were dragged into a place that was full of them in order to prove the point that you don't hate fags, you're just afraid of them and scared shitless of coming into contact with them.?
What if your girlfriend forcibly dragged you to a Gay bar or club for instance? Would you know how to survive? Read on.
What can I expect, will it be like the Blue Oyster Bar from the Police Academy movies?
Yes, yes it will, but worse. Upon entering the venue, it is probably wise to tell the bouncer that you are straight and that you won't tolerate any funny business. You'll king hit the first queer who licks his moustachioed lips at you.If you are with a lady friend, make sure you cling to her for dear life and make sure all gestures of affection are as ostentatious as possible.Bring a brown paper bag with you. The site of seeing so many biker-moustache leather queens getting onto each other may make you physically sick. As will be explained later, going to the men's toilets for any reason, let alone to throw up, is unadvisable.There WILL be men in sailor outfits bum rooting each other on the dance floor. They will have clock weights hanging from their pierced scrotums as well - do not allow yourself to be too alarmed by this. Try and view everything from an anthropological perspective, and stop thinking about viewing it all through a sniper scope.
What should I do if any of them try and talk to me?
Just relax and talk to the chap as if he is normal. Skirt around topics like ballet and curtain design and gear the conversation around football and boxing. Under no circumstances should you shake hands with the chap or brush against him as YOU WILL get AIDS.
Should I get myself a drink?
NO. If you innocently order a schooner of VB you will be shocked and amazed to see that fag beer comes in cocktail glasses with fruit garnishes and pink umbrellas. It will not be the regulation amber colour either - fag publicans put special pink dye into their kegs so as to make their clientele drink more of it.See - gays believe the colour pink gives them bizarre Satanic sexual powers over straight people. They believe that the more pink they wear, the more voodoo luck they give themselves when it comes to seducing and raping straight men LIKE YOU.
What if someone offers to by me a drink?
Refuse and inform him you're undergoing a full rectal reconstruction tomorrow and must not put any fluids into your body. The fact that your anus has already collapsed will deem you an unfit target for pursuit.
Why not just let him buy you a drink?
Well, he will drug you into a paralytic coma and then fuck seven shades of shit out of you.Also keep in mind that drinking from glasses that have been drunk from by millions of fags will also put you at risk of contracting HIV.
What about the men's toilets, what if I really need to go?
See, in a gay bar, the men's toilets aren't actually toilets. They are a sex dungeon in disguise where all manner of depravity and filth takes place.The urinal is where men lie and paddle about in puddles of piss like a kiddie wading pool. The dunny cubicles themselves ALL have holes in the walls where anonymous head-jobs are given.If you go into this environment, you will be handcuffed to the cistern and violated.
Should I go to the women's toilets instead?
No, the exact same thing will happen to you except it will be tranny's and drag queens who will buggerise you into insensibility.
What do I do if someone grabs my arse or cock whilst walking around the club?
A good idea is to grab a copy of the Sydney Star Observer on the way through the front door. Roll it up and keep it handy. See, gay men must be treated like the disobedient dogs they are. If you feel your arse or other private bits being grabbed, turn and strike the offender on the nose with your rolled up newspaper and say "NO" in a loud commanding voice. Like a mischievous puppy, the fags will soon know right from wrong and not fondle your arse again.
What do I do if I find myself overcome with the irrestible desire to boogy on down to the sounds of Gloria Gaynor, Kylie and Marc Almond?
Don't be alarmed. This phenomena has been known to happen to the straightest of men. It is all a part of the dirty, underhand and subliminal gay strategy for recruiting straight folk over to their side. You may find yourself feeling at ease, happy and relaxed by the cheerful non-threatening atmosphere of a gay venue. The music adds to this and before you know it, you're pumping your fist in the air to Nikki French's Total Eclipse of the Heart or You've Blown it all Sky High by Newton.The next minute, you will be pumping your fist up another man's arse, ON THE DANCEFLOOR, in front of cheering onlookers.
If you're in Sydney, then the best thing to do is to do the bolt from the venue, making sure to elbow and knock down as many people as you can on the way. If the bouncers accost you, put up the mother of all struggles as they drag you out the door. Make sure to scream some incoherent homophobic abuse as this is happening, throw in something about Sodom and Gomorrah and Judgement day.Head north to Kings Cross and get a five-dollar head-job of some junkie pro in Daffodil Park. Some good, honest straight action is what you need to cleanse yourself of any residual fag filth.Just make sure she doesn't have a prominent Adam's apple before she goes down on you.
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