G-Bung

Gaffe -Tabloid for mistake.

Gaffer, The - Footballerism misleadingly implying that the player has a subservient relationship with the team's current manager and can be fired by him rather than - as is in fact the case - the other way round.

Gangly - Adjective applied to Two-Metre Peter Crouch et al. Carries an implication that the player is somehow lacking in moral fibre or unsound in some fundamental way, as opposed to being simply tall.

Garrincha - Legendary Brazilian winger and p***-artist known as the 'Little Bird' and famed for having an enormous wang.

Gascoigne, Paul - Football genius, human idiot. Highlights have included: Italia 90, fake breasts, burping at press conference, 'F*** off, Norway', free-kick for Spurs, goal v Scotland, dentist's chair, booking referee, making Five Bellies eat mince pie filled with cat poo...

Gattuso, Gennaro - Possibly the only ugly person in Italy, almost as if they took enough ugliness for an entire country and shoved it all into one body.

Gemmill, Scott - Journeyman midfield battler who, in response to Football365 jibe about his abilities, phoned up to sensationally claim: "I'm not the world's worst footballer."

General, Midfield - Midfielder possessing of five key attributes: good engine, can tackle, able to pass the ball without humping it into the stand, intimidates referee, penchant for violence.

Germany - Modest nation noted for their flamboyant football, well-dressed fans, brilliant musical taste and legendary sense of humour.

George, Charlie - Glamorous - i.e. long-haired - Arsenal legend famed for celebrating lying flat on his back. As many a footballer has done since, in the post-match warm-down/roasting extravaganza.

Gerrard, Steven - One-man Liverpool team noted for confused, squinty expression, brilliance, trenchant views on the despicable practice of diving to win a penalty, and diving.

Ghosting - Ronism denoting a stealthy movement towards the Back Stick, often in anticipation of Giving It The Full Gun.

Ghostwriter - Journalist charged with the thankless task of turning typical life story of 20-year-old footballer ("I got born, I started playing football, I was well good at it, now I do it all the time, apart from other stuff that I won't discuss") into 90,000-word idiot-bait in Smiths.

Giggs, Ryan - Hairy-chested, ageless Manchester United winger who has played 2,500 times for club and, so legend dictates, once or twice for Wales when his mysterious week-long international week injuries allowed.

Gillespie, Keith - Northern Irish winger who once had his clock cleaned by Alan Shearer. Loved betting. Was an early example of "it's sickening how much they earn" tabloid staple when it emerged that he spent 62 grand on slow nags in three days. Only 20 grand a day? Seems almost sweet now, doesn't it?

Gilt-Edged - What a chance is...just after Dirk Kuyt has missed it.

Ginger Lad, Little - Favoured Ron description, along with Street Fighter and Little Ratter In Midfield for his beloved Paul Scholes who isn't, actually, especially little.

Ginola, David - Hair model, shampoo salesman, sometime pundit and all-round housewives' choice. Fitfully brilliant, then brilliantly fat.

Glaring - Always paired with 'error', almost always by a goalkeeper.

Glasgow - Scottish city famous for drinking, fighting, European heartbreak.

Glass, Jimmy - Proof that once, just once, in a million times, the keeper coming up for a corner can work.

Go, Give And - Negotiation technique involving an agent, a brown envelope and name deleted for legal reasons.

Gooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllll - A goal in South America. Even a tap-in or a penalty.

Goalkeeper - Smallest or weediest child in a social group.

Goalpost - Part of pitch often fashioned from jumpers and often run into in 'hilarious' stocking-filler blooper videos.

God - Fans' favourite, see Fowler, Robbie and Le Tissier, Matthew (French: Le God). Also, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient deity beloved of various African footballers, Mad Hodd.

God, Hand Of - Scotland's greatest-ever World Cup moment.

Gomes, Nuno - Pretty but essentially useless forward. See Inzaghi, Simone; Dani; Samaras, Georgios.

Goram, Andy - Superb, if latterly salad-dodging, Scotch goalie whose personal problems were sensitively summed up in the chant: "Two Andy Gorams."

Gordon, Craig - Keeper who has to explain any howlers to Roy Keane. No pressure, then.

Graft, Plenty Of Hard - Polite modifier sometimes used when describing activities of crap player.
Graham, George (also 'Stroller') - Popular former Tottenham manager who brought glory days back to White Hart Lane with the 1999 League Cup.

Greavsie - One half of jumpertastic broadcasting duo Saint And Greavsie. Liked a drink, didn't like Geoff Hurst. STILL has column in The Sun.

Greece - Footballing superpower put to the sword by England hero David Beckham, who showed the men from the land of tzatziki and Parthenons just who had the greatest-ever empire. When we drew 2-2 with them at home.

Green, Alan - Norn Irish football radio commentator rendered miserable by the cosmic unfairness of having to commentate on football for the radio.

Green, Rub Of - TheSex act performed on the above by Mrs Green.

Gregory, John - Former Aston Villa manager famed for views on Dwight Yorke - "if I had a gun I would have shot him" - and mental illness: "I could understand a single mother in a council flat suffering from depression, but not a well-paid footballer." No wonder poor Stan was upset.

Grimsby, A Wet Tuesday Night In - Phrase popular with pundits questioning a foreign player's desire to Get Stuck In.

Grobelaar, Bruce - Wobbly-legged, brilliant goalkeeper. Just not all the time.

Groves, Perry - Arsenal cult whose fans set up an internet campaign to ensured his autobiography outsold that of another Arsenal cunlt, Ashley Cole.

Guivarc'h, Stephane - Half-forgotten Frenchie, surely the worst striker ever to win the World Cup. Confirmed that France 1998 wasn't a one-off with dismal spells at Rangers and Newcastle. Crazy apostrophe in surname has been inspirational to various manufactured pop bands.

Guppy, Steve - One-cap wonder, but his name lives on.

Gutted - Football for 'unhappy'.

Guv'nor, The - Nickname of Paul Ince, used (only) by Paul Ince.