How to write a match report

Taken from the boys at F365

Writing a match report is a highly technical skill, requiring a steady hand, the ability to keep cool under pressure and no little courage. In other words, it's like performing open heart surgery, being a Formula One driver or having sex on public transport.

These four activities share many other aspects in common. For example, you'll find that all four benefit from a little advance preparation. Similarly, it's always a race against time to get the job done without either embarrassing yourself or really disappointing someone else. But at least when you're writing a match report and you get it wrong, you're less likely to leave tell-tale bodily fluids smeared all over a wall.

Firstly, when writing a report, you need to remember that you're only allowed to use certain phrases when referring to certain teams. You would never write 'the Spurs defence, a steely unit, operated in almost telepathic harmony and was marshalled efficiently by the Baresi of the modern era, Anthony Gardner'. It's like writing 'Cristiano Ronaldo bravely rode a succession of tough challenges'. The public would laugh in your face. So think carefully.

The main trick to writing to tight deadlines, though, is to prepare some stuff in advance. After all, you can nick all the boring facts and stuff from other people. Here's a few examples of time-saving sentences, which can always be relied upon to be found in any match report - along with a few bad ones to show you what not to do.
We've used two teams selected entirely at random...

ARSENAL
Good Arsenal headlines...
* Wenger slams 'thugs who refuse to play football'.
* Wenger says young squad will mature and sweep all before them like Mini-Pop Panzer division.
* Arsenal foetuses delight friends and foes alike.
* Arsenal are greatest-ever team: Ajax's Total Football mob shit in comparison.

Arsenal headlines unlikely to be used...
* Humble Wenger sporting in defeat
* Wenger says team misses Henry's generous leadership and guidance
* Fabregas' downy baby hair makes opponents want to smell his head

Useful Arsenal pre-written sentences...
* Arsenal played their trademark football with a grace, confidence and joy that is almost transcendental; football which should have even the staunchest fans of their opponents standing up and applauding in delight, so privileged are they to be present.
* Arsene Wenger, the philosopher-poet of the leather spheroid, the genius who has transformed English football with his unique giant brain and his quixotic approach to football and pronunciation, is the Leonardo Da Vinci of our age.
* Cesc Fabregas bestrode this narrow pitch like a colossus, a footballing babe in arms with the brain of a 50-year-old seasoned warrior, a tiny god-like figure spraying passes like holy water about the worshipful cauldron of football that is his church.
* At this point Jens Lehmann, the possible weak link in the side, punched an opponent, then the referee, then gave a Chinese burn to a disabled woman in the crowd, before pulling out a pistol and yelling, "Come on then, you want some?" and falling to the floor, sobbing. The referee had no alternative but to show him the yellow card, putting a temporary dampener on the festival of football.
Arsenal pre-written sentence unlikely to be used...* Arsene Wenger, looking as ever like a bad-tempered, hairy walnut, said that today's opponents came to Ashburton Grove with a good game plan and executed it well, and he admired them for it.

NEWCASTLE UNITED
Good Newcastle headlines...
* Allardyce blasts 'incompetent' match officials
* Allardyce slams 'useless fookin' fat moron' referee
* Allardyce chokes on flaky pie crust

Newcastle headlines unlikely to be used...
* Allardyce says Newcastle will compensate England over Owen injury
* Allardyce blames himself for poor team performance
* It's just like watching Brazil, say Toon fans

Useful Newcastle pre-written sentences...
* Big Sam Allardyce, a steak-and-kidney pudding in a tight suit, spent the afternoon bellowing abuse at the match officials with steam coming out of his nose, a man driven by nature to trample all before him, like a Pamplona bull confronted by a naked Robbie Savage waving a red chiffon scarf.
* Little Mickey Owen's injury to his oversized thigh will have Steve McClaren's knuckles whitening and sheets yellowing in bed at night, as he wonders who, now, will bag the goals to take glorious England to the victory they need against Mauritania and the Cook Islands in this most fiendishly difficult of groups.
* Allardyce may look like a face drawn on the side of a crusty white loaf, but he has transformed the fortunes of this club with his hi-tech army of off-beat but effective specialist coaches. They include synchronised trampolinists, aromatherapists, sailing instructors and grief counsellors, along with an array of world-renowned experts from other fields, who come to the club regularly to give players lessons in beekeeping, charades, animal husbandry and stool analysis.
Newcastle pre-written sentence unlikely to be used...
* Big Sam Allardyce, perched daintily on the bench and nibbling nervously at a low-fat yoghurt, was notably reluctant to confront the officials whose job, he said, was already difficult enough.