B is for......

Babbel, Markus - Former Liverpool defender who, in one of the most surreal football stories of all time, was 'cured' of a serious debilitating disease by Chris De Burgh.

Badge, Spotter's - No idea what this means. See Atkinson, Ron.

Ball, Going For The - Absurd claim made by generations of violent midfielders as they hack yet another player to the ground in furious rage. Sometimes accompanied by a hand gesture akin to a gypsy looking into a crystal ball, esp when protesting to a continental referee.

Ballooned - See Lee, Dong-Gook.

Barcelona - City which hosted the greatest and most courageous comeback in the history of professional sport on a glorious night in 1999 that no person living at the time will ever forget. It was in the 89th minute when substitute Teddy... (continued ad nauseam in any commentary by Clive Tyldesley).

Bargy, Argy - Headline guaranteed to appear in all tabloids leading up to and immediately following every England versus Argentina clash.

Barnes, John - Rapper and model who recommended quaffing Lucozade Isotonic as a cure for '90 minutes of sheer hell'. Sales immediately rose among those forced to sit through one of his many non-performances for England. Latterly wearer of rakish suits, really awful football manager and, arguably, equally awful football presenter.

Barton, Joey - If anyone can get the lad on an even keel, it's Kevin Keegan. Right? Joey? Joey? Arrrrghhhh! Not me face Joey! Arrrrgh!

Bates, Ken - Papa Smurf type whose proposed solution for keeping his unruly Blue followers on the straight-and-narrow was...electric fencing. Latterly in charge of those nice people up in Leeds.

Batty, David - Midfield trundler famous for fight with Graeme Le Saux; passing ball sideways; missed pen.

BBC - Channel that, legend has it, once showed live League football.

Beagrie, Peter - Back-flipper.

Beardsley, Peter - Handsome striker and noted public speaker. Obviously.

Beckenbauer, Franz - German defender known as the Kaiser. Wife stayed with him even though he knocked up a secretary. Displayed unsuspected comic flair when explaining the up-knockage thusly: "This has been a very difficult time for both of us. Especially my wife."

Beckham, David - Spokesperson, fashion icon, movie actor, father, husband, model and occasional football player for the Los Angeles Botoxers or whatever it is they are called. Stuck on 99 caps since arrival of manager unswayed by anecdotes of going round Tom Cruise's for tea, chance to meet wife etc.

Beckham, Victoria - Founder WAG who, according to terrace legend, enjoyed nothing better than a trip to the home of Arsène Wenger's north London outfit.

Bellamy, Craig - Keen golfer and enjoyer of a quiet night in, famous for taunting Alan Shearer via text message. Also allegedly turned down move to Birmingham City by texting his then-chairman Freddie Shepherd. "I am Craig Bellamy and I don't sign for s*** football clubs." We'll see.

Benayoun, Yossi - Liverpool player. Luckily, already has Scouse name.

Benfica - Portuguese side who have featured great players like Eusebio and Scott Minto. Have announced plans for a new stadium - to be called 'Roker Park'.

Benitez, Rafael - Tinkerman who enjoyed incredible success in early days of Liverpool career but now looking as vulnerable to US interference as a Central American banana republic.

Benjani - Nicknamed 'The Undertaker' in his native Zimbabwe for his ability to bury teams, it says here. Tardy.

Berkovic, Eyal - Mercurial midget noted for one half of kung-fu training video when he interrupted a West Ham training session to attack John Hartson's boot with his jaw.

Best, George - Late football genius, shagger, star. Sadly pissed.

Bilic, Slaven - Dirty foreign sort who not only had the cheek to coach a team capable of beating mighty England twice, but then had the gall to suggest that perhaps his vanquished opponents were not quite as good as they think they are.

Blues, The - Unimaginative, last resort, can't-think-of-anything-better team nickname. Traditionally given to teams which play in blue.

Board, The - People who give a manager their full and vocal support about two days before giving him the sack. See Confidence, The Dreaded Vote Of

Bollix - From the Irish, a cubby hole for keeping assorted items with no other appropriate storage space, as in 'Stick it up your bollix'. See: C***, you f****** English.

'Boo Boys' - The section of a club's supporters who inexplicably take it upon themselves to target a player for criticism if he is not trying, failing to score for months at a time, being rubbish etc. See: Knockers, the.

Bowyer, Lee - Community-minded ambassador for the game, scholar and gentleman.

Brady, Karen - CEO of Birmingham City, married to Paul Peschisolido. Immortalised in numerous amusing terrace songs, all of them too earthy to reprint here.

Brazil, Alan - Thirsty Scotch footballer-turned-pundit whose finest hour came in Talksport Radio exchange with Mike Parry thus:
AB: "It was so sad to hear this morning of the death of John Shaw."
MP: "That's John Thaw, Alan"
AB: "Do you know, I keep getting his name wrong. John, if you're listening, sorry mate."

'Brazil, It's Just Like Watching' - Song sung by any rubbish team when they occasionally string more than two passes together. Thought to originate from Barnsley.

'Brian The Postman' - Alter-ego of Dwight Yorke while at Aston Villa. Oft-sighted in Brum nightclubs (and later in Sunday newspaper kiss-and-tells) prior to Yorke's departure for Manchester United. Flashed surprising amount of cash for a postal worker and lived in mansion studded with Yorke-related memorabilia, but was definitely not him.

Brolin, Tomas - Danced round England in Euro 1992 and, for a while, was brilliant. Then went to Leeds and became fat and rubbish. Later sold hoovers and shoes online, made a record with Doctor Alban and a jacuzzi video.

Brooking, Sir (formerly Trevor) - Nice but very boring man who talks about West Ham for a living.

Broom, New - Something an arriving manager tends to bring with him. Not sure why.
Brown, Craig - Amusingly "Donald Where's Your Troosers" type Scottish bungler turned phlegmatic pudit.

Brown, Wes - Is orange.

Bruce, Steve - Bernard-Cribbins-a-like manager currently flirting with relegation at Wigan. If by flirting you mean "he's taken relegation back to his place and is all set to give it a right good seeing-to".

'Brucie, Brucie, What's The Score?' - Question asked by Anfield regulars in the 1980s, and subsequently by Malaysian gambling syndicates, The News Of The World and various legal types.

Bubbles, I'm Forever Blowing - Song sung by West Ham fans. Also punchline of eighties joke about Michael Jackson.

Busby, Sir Matt - Great player for Liverpool and Manchester City about whose later career little is known. So thick was his Scottish accent, occupation is actually listed in 1930s Manchester census as "fruitboiler".

Butt, Nicholas (also 'Licky') - Painfully ginger Newcastle United midfielder whose name provides gleeful opportunities for pundits/commentators to indulge in sniggersome schoolboy innuendo along the lines of 'Pele likes Butt'. See also Camara, Titi; Fuchs; Argel; Kuntz, Stefan; Seaman, David; Shittu, Danny et al.