D is for Dickheads and the people who don't believe us on 442

D - That thing on the edge of the penalty area that doesn't seem to serve much purpose. See Kuyt, Dirk.

Dalglish, Kelly - Sky Sports hottie and daughter of football legend who in no way got her job due to being the hottie daughter of a football legend.

Dalglish, Kenny - Incomprehensible Scot who baffled defenders with his sublime skills on the pitch, baffled interviewers with his mumbled retorts and baffled the city of Liverpool with his sudden resignation.

Dalglish, Paul - See Cruyff, Jordi,

'Danger Area' - Region of indeterminate size usually between the goal-line and the edge of the penalty area - although sometimes overlaps with Beckham Territory.

Darlington - Lower-League outfit best known for having a former safe-cracker as their chairman. A crook running a football club. How could this be?

Denilson - (Original)Briefly (very, very briefly) looked like the best player in the world after 1997 Le Tournoi in France. Transferred to Oooh Betis for staggering sum, then shortly transferred again for merely very large sum, until soon being shunted around for a bag of balls as it became clear that his wicky-wicky leg play and exciting shimmering never actually led to anything at all.

Derby County - Famous for being managed by Brian Clough and having a cursed ground. Also known as the Rams. That's about it.

Derby, Local - Football match where The Form Book Goes Out The Window and where a good ruck is always guaranteed both on pitch and off.

Derisory - Agents' expression used to describe wage offer of 10,000 pounds per week. Confusingly, the word actually means 'insultingly inadequate'.

Dia, Ali - Legendary Southampton striker who, on the recommendation of some bloke pretending to be George Weah, got a game under Graeme Souness. Never figured in the Premiership again, unsurprisingly. Surprisingly, Souness did.

Diabolical - Favourite term of Alan Hansen when glorifying in any defensive error, always with implication that he himself would never have fouled up like that. Also Dreadful, Dear Oh Dear et al.

Diamond Formation - Found around the wrists, necks and probably cocks of our overpaid, undercivilised footballers.

'Diamond Lights' - Hideous Eighties record by Glenn and Chris (Hoddle and Waddle) so dismal that missing a penalty in the World Cup semi-final and losing the England manager's job for loopy comments about the disabled seemed positive triumphs in comparison.

Di Canio, Paolo - Bug-eyed Italian noted for brilliance, hooligan credentials, dodgy political views, shirtless celebrations, thumping ball past Barthez despite latter's 'cunning' arm raise. Lived the dream of every football fan when shoving a referee to the ground in a fit of pique.

Dichio, Danny - Said he would never play for England due to his Italian roots. Presumably explained his record of, erm, zero appearances for the Azzurri by saying that he was too proud of being English to play for Italy.

Did Not See The Incident, I - Sadly-discarded Wengerism formerly used when one of his players had committed a foul worthy of a custodial sentence.

Diet - Eating regimen introduced by wily continentals who, in their cunning foreign cleverness, suggested that eight pints of lager and a black pudding supper might not be the ideal pre-match meal.

Diouf, El Hadji - Spitty nomadic forward prone to flashes of brilliance. Briefly formed one of the game's most likeable strike partnerships with Nicolas Anelka at Bolton.

Dip In Form - Polite way of saying that a player is playing like a total imbecile.

Disorderly, Duncan - Legendary Scotchman striker famed for use of the heid, tattoos, prison, self-reliant approach to solving burglaries.

"Dived, He F******" - Advice given to referees by Neanderthal centre-halves who have just kicked an opposing centre-forward into the stands. Often accompanied by amusing, Barrymore-esque arching-of-the-hands mime.

Diving - Underhand technique used by Argies/Porcos/Frogs/Krauts/other cheating foreign scumbags. Also by heroic sportsmen Michael Owen and Steven Gerrard to win penalties for England, thus displaying the professionalism that is all part of the modern game.

'Does Your Missus Know You're Here?' - Chant from Aston Villa fans upon the departure of David Unsworth, who ended a three-day stint at the club because it was too far to get home in time for lunch.

'Do I Not Like That' - Legendary Taylorism, which echoed, albeit totally incoherently, the thoughts of an entire nation.

Donkey - Piano-playing creature that lives on mineral water. Can buck nastily and throw its rider, as Steve Morrow found out to his cost.

Doors, Early - Advanced Ronglish for the first few minutes of the game. Ideal time for a player, possibly a Little Ratter In Midfield, to Put A Reducer on an opponent.

Dowie, Iain - Looks like a particularly unfashionable caveman, but is surprisingly modern manager.

Draw - Formerly a simple matter of picking sets of teams out of a hat. Now, an insanely complicated process, beloved by UEFA and performable only by an extremely powerful computer. Like Ernie.

Dribble - The art of running along while repeatedly kicking the ball a short distance in front of you. Held in huge esteem in England, where players who can do it are talked of in hushed tones.

Drogba, Didier - Supremely effective, supremely unlovely Chelsea battering ram. Agent says everyone is jealous of him. Hmm, maybe.

Drop Ball - In the past, a situation where two players would stand there kicking lumps out of each other, until eventually the rest of the team joined in. Now, unfortunately, this has been phased out as one player stands back whilst the other simply whacks the ball into touch or back to the other keeper. Pansies.

Dublin, Dion - Famously-endowed striker who moved Sir Alex Ferguson to remark: "Big? It's no just big, it's magnificent."

Duff, Damien - Tricky Irish left-winger who England would have give their eye teeth for over last ten years. See Giggs, Ryan and Grandparents, Surely He Must Have Some English.

Dunne, Richard - Bon viveur and defender.

Dyer, Kieron - Oft-injured forward, film director and feminist. Forerunner to the Baby Bentley movement.

Dynamo - Old-fashioned Ronism for a crap player who runs around a lot. "He's everywhere - he's the dynamo of the team." Esp. when Ron is not sure of the player's name.