C is for Chook and....

Caesar, Gus - Mass nightmarish hallucination shared by Arsenal fans in the late 1980s.

Calcio - Italian word for football, desperately overused in Britain in the 1990s in a vain attempt to lend the game a more continental, cultured approach. Popular with cafe owners, broadsheet columnists, Channel Four. Reached apogee in Tim Parks' almost supernaturally smug 2002 book, A Season With Verona.

Camara, Titi - Ex-Liverpool, West Ham and Addams Family frontman with a wonderfully versatile name for tabloid editors. The headline 'Smile for the Camara' was perfect for when the striker hit the net for his team. Unfortunately, it was never needed. 'What A Titi' was.

Campbell, Sulzeer (Sol) - Evil Judas-like character who betrayed his adoring fans at Tottenham Hotspur, demonstrating the twisted foulness in his soul. Attempted to claim that the attractions at Arsenal of European football, world-class team-mates, domestic trophies, professional coaching and a proper salary were involved, but few believed this flimsy excuse. Later snapped up by 'Onest 'Arry at Sarf Coast Motors.

Campo, Ivan - Magnificently-barneted Spaniard who, after paying his dues and learning his trade at unfashionable Real Madrid, finally got his dream move to Bolton Wanderers.

Campos, Jorge - Rubber-limbed midget goalkeeper who briefly enlivened Mexican team after retirement of Hugo Sanchez. Famed for short-sleeved, hideous goalie shirts which confused officials and commentators the world over.

Cantona, Eric - Inspirational footballer for Manchester United who heartily embraced the FA campaign to 'kick racism out of football'. Latterly porky jobbing actor and beach soccer regular.

'Can We Not Just Knock It?' - Inspirational tactical offering by former England manager Graham Taylor.

Capello, Fabio - Footballing visionary whose outlandish notions include players passing the ball to members of own team and turning up for work on time.

Caprice - Highly-desirable model who emulated fellow animal rights beauty Brigitte Bardot by briefly taking care of an old donkey.

'Captain Marvel' - Tabloid headline for a skipper who scores, no matter how dreadful thre player.

Cardiff - Team renowned for friendly fans. City was also temporary home of the FA Cup Final. Doesn't rhyme as well as Wem-ber-lee.

Careful, He's Got To Be - Popular phrase used by commentators for whenever a player already on a yellow card commits the sort of foul that really should lead to between 18 months and four years in prison. Also used when player can be clearly lip-read as screaming, "You've got to be f***** joking, you c***." in the ref's face. See Rooney, Wayne.

Carlisle United - Were actually top of the old First Division in 1974/5 after winning their first three games. Went on to be relegated the same season and have never won anything since. Former owner/chairman/manager/occasional substitute claimed to have seen a UFO and been spoken to by aliens. See Knighton, Michael.

Carlos, Roberto - Much-loved Irish free-kick expert whose banana benders always promised more than they delivered. Had brilliant personal website, whose inexpert English translation advised aspiring footballers 'never fight with the rooters'. Wise words.

Carragher, Jamie - Liverpool stopper who is living proof that you don't have to speak English to be a success in English football.

Celtic - Leading Scottish football club. Have won 88 domestic trophies and one European trophy. See League, Tinpot.

Chadwick, Luke - Hideously-featured winger thought to be the first player used solely for shock value.

Channels - Mythical part of the football pitch often referred to by commentators, as in, "He's run the channels all night". See Atkinson, Ron.

Charlie - Mysterious former acquaintance of Paul Merson.

Charlton, Sir Bobby - Erstwhile comb-over king, former Preston manager and ambassadorial type who still never looks quite comfortable at it.

Charlton, Jack - Hero of 1966 and all that, famous for managing Ireland, incomprehensibility, fishing, dodgy baseball hats, incredible levels of abuse at 1994 WC officials.

Cheeky - Demonstrating the British love of irony, adjective applied to former midfield clogger Dennis Wise.

Chelsea - Billionaire's plaything who achieved one of football's most prestigious doubles over seasons 2004-2006 when becoming more boring than Liverpool and more disliked than Manchester United.

Chesterfield - Small town in Derbyshire famous for wonky spire, having FA Cup final appearance cruelly denied them by David Elleray blunder and dodgy ground/financial dealings.

Chopper - Term prefixing surname of team's 'hatchet' man. Each Sunday League team is obliged to have one. Or risk expulsion from the league.

City - Catch-all nickname for any team whose name contains the word 'City' and who are too dull to think of anything better. See Blues, The.

Clanger, Dropped An Absolute - A cringingly awful mistake, traditionally made by keepers, sometimes deciding the result of the game. See Robinson, Paul.

Clash - A match between two teams. Often 'table-topping'.

Cliché - A trite phrase or expression. Eg. "As I say, at the end of the day, after a game of two halves, it's the result that counts. And fair play to them." See Redknapp, Jamie.

Clichy, Gaël - One of those foreign footballer names that always makes you smile a bit.

Clough, Brian - Ditch-kipping pickled genius famous for making two clubs that detest each other more successful than either had any right to be. Made the phrase 'Young Man' refer to more than just the Village People's biggest hit.

Cold, Couldn't Catch A - Semi-amusing label given to butter-fingered keepers, esp. those flapping at crosses. See James, Calamity; 'Dracula, We Used To Call Him...' etc and various other Lawroisms, inc 'Mother, He's Come Out Waving To His'.

Cole, Andrew (nee Andy) - Forward who, unlike his strike partner Dwight Yorke, often needed five chances to score. In 2000, pompously announced that he no longer wished to be known as Andy. Managed to top even that in 2002, though, when he 'announced his retirement from international football'.

Cole, Ashley - Full-back at his best when playing away from home. Was reportedly sick in car of slapper and told her "she should be grateful that Ashley Cole was sick in her car". Class.

Cole, Carlton - Gangly striker, described by Claudio Ranieri as "my young lion" and increasingly described by West Ham fans as "our young donkey".

Cole, Joe - The last of the famous four Cole Brothers (see above), Joe was lost on a visit to the zoo as a child and was brought up by performing seals.

Collina, Pierluigi - Terrifying, bug-eyed referee who not even Roy Keane tried to mess with. Was seemingly unique amongst match officials in actually being rather good at it.

Collins, John - Determined Scotcher who walked out on Hibs just one day before the manager's job at former club Fulham became available. It was just an amazing coincidence, he said. Rather amusingly, Roy Hodgson was subsequently appointed manager of Fulham. Not to be confused with John, Collins.

Collymore, Stan - Troubled but briefly wonderful striker formerly addicted to risky sex who now seems to be addicted to being on the radio every bleedin' minute of the day.

Community Shield (formerly Charity Shield) - Dull pre-season match, always played while football fans are on holiday, forcing English people in Florida and Turkey to watch hours of CNN in the hope of finding out the result.

Courtney, George - Top Eighties referee who was famously asked by a caller on live Saturday morning children's television: "Why do people call you George C**tney?"

Creeper - Multi-purpose Big Ronism used when real words fail him. Eg. "That pass was a bit of a creeper" or "The little lad up front's what I like to call a creeper".

Crewe - Famous for Dario Gradi, railways, So Solid.

Crouch, Peter - Marvellously Dickensian-sounding footballer, famed for tallness, robot dancing and improbably attractive, although distinctly mucky, WAG.

'Crowd Pleaser' - Very fast/tricky/skilful but generally useless player. See Lennon, Aaron.

Cruyff, Johann - One of the finest players ever, key part of one of the best teams ever assembled, 33 goals in 48 internationals, brilliant manager. Famous smoker, gave up and substituted tabs with Chupa Chup lollies. Legend.

Cruyff, Jordi - Son of Johann. Purchased by Sir Fergie after brief success in Euro 96. Proof that the apple can sometimes fall a long, long way from the tree.

Cultured - Adjective often applied to a left, but never right, foot. See also educated.

'C***, Take That You' - Traditional Irish greeting esp. popular in Manchester.

Cup, Magic Of The - Traditional phrase used on third and fourth round day, even as Manchester United thirds are giving Swindon or whoever a right good seeing-to.

Cup, The - Target for the season of mediocre, mid-table clubs (see Villa, Aston and Hotspur, Tottenham), who then inevitably see it collected by a Top Three team anyway.

Curtain-Raiser, Traditional - Inevitable label given to the Community Shield, its August date being the first competitive game of the new term. Unless you are in the Intertoto Cup, or in Scotland, when half the league season and two or three cups have probably already been completed.