E is for my Erection

Eastern Bloc - Collective noun for teams from the other side of the Iron Curtain. Not popular with away supporters due to overzealous policing, poor catering facilities (unless you were fond of beetroot) and the local shops, which rarely had anything worth robbing. Most have now split up into several different countries to make qualification for the World and European Cups more difficult. Not to say 'impossible'.

'Easy Games' - There are absolutely none of these 'at this level of football', even if Manchester United are playing Lincoln City, The Red Lion Reserves, Trafford Primary School For Girls or Arsenal.

'Ed - Top bit of a footballer managed by Kevin Keegan.

Edinburgh, Justin - Cultured product of the famous White Hart Lane pass-and-move school.

Edu - Midfielder who was ideal for Arsenal fans wanting a replica shirt on a tight budget.

Edmundo - Hated Romario, terrible driver, hired circus for his back garden, thumped/put heid on numerous opponents, nicknamed 'The Animal', gave a monkey beer, made Man United look like idiots in that World Club Cup Club Championship nonsense, is legend.

Effing (usually 'Effing And Blinding') - Commentary to describe pictures of Wayne Rooney asking an official if he is certain that the ball was out of play, is his family well, how much left on the clock etc.

Eh, Eh, Eh - See Kop, The.

Ehiogu, Ugo - Player whose name gives David Pleat nightmares.

Ekoku, Efan - Bustling ex-Crazy Ganger. Almost unique among ex-pros by virtue of being a better commentator than he was footballer.

Elliot, Robbie - Keegan-era left back for the Toon; one of those players who played about four million games but about whom you can hardly remember anything. See Speed, Gary.

Elbow - One of the most controversial parts of a footballer's anatomy, usually employed artfully to knobble opponents. Developed by John Fashanu in the 1980s, perfected by Ben Thatcher.

Elland Road - Home for juvenile delinquents in Yorkshire, recently admitting older, smaller thugs, too.

Ellis, 'Deadly' Doug - Hoarding creature that lives to a great age and preys on football managers.

Emerson - Freaky-haired Brazilian who enjoyed a brief yet lucrative stay on Teesside. Wife inexplicably preferred Rio. Strange creatures, women.

'End Of The Day' - Expression used predominantly in post-match interviews in place of a comma or full-stop. Among the first English words a foreign player learns, together with 'lads done terrific', 'magnificent', 'the gaffer's behind me 100%' and 'the missus loves it here in the North East'.

End Of The World, Not - The false assurance given by girlfriend/wife who doesn't understand the brutality of seeing your team relegated/thrashed by hated rivals/selling best player.

End-To-End (Usually Stuff) - Refers to a pulsating tie in which opponents take turns to attack. Often occurs when one or both teams are impressive going forward but have little savvy when it comes to defensive responsibilities. See Keegan, Kevin.

Energetic - Generous description of a player who runs around for the whole match without contributing to the game.

Engine, He's Got A Great - Signifier denoting a tireless but talentless player who will run all day for you and always gives 110 per cent.

Enigmatic - Football-speak for 'a liability'. See Robert, Laurent.

England - Average international side whose opponents consistently fail to recognise its divine right to qualify for tournaments.

England, Mike - Former Spurs star who despite his name had to play for Wales. See also Brazil, Alan and Holland, Matt.

English Disease, The - Usage can refer to, variously: excessive trade union activity, rickets, sexual masochism and football hooliganism. All of which when taken together, sound like a hell of a weekend.

Envelope, Brown - Used for facilitating transfers in the days when five hundred quid was actually a lot of money and the bung didn't need to be put in a paper bag the size of a duvet.

Eriksson, Sven-Goran - Bespectacled fanny-magnet and former England coach who was hounded out of job largely for being passionless and foreign. Subsequent reign of Steve McClaren made Sven look like a genius.

Error, Schoolboy - See Robinson, Paul.

Estonia - Team defeated twice by England in Euro 2008 qualifying. Surprisingly, manager Tarmo Rüütli kept his job. Also home country of Mart Poom. That's pretty much it.

Etcheverry, Marco - Legendary Bolivian mulleteer sent off in their first-ever match in the WC finals (1994).

Etherington, Matthew - Along with Simon Davies, was touted by Barry Fry as the future of the football and flogged to Spurs for vast sums. Nice work, Barry. Spurs: go to your room.

Everton - Former English football superpower currently flirting with possibility of ousting Liverpool from coveted 'Merseyside club most likely to finish fourth' race.

Europe - Place where they do unspeakably cruel things to animals and England football teams.

'European Adventure' - Patronising newspaper term for UEFA Cup progress (i.e. elimination) of clubs like Shelbourne, Carmarthen Town and Rangers.

Everywhere (usually 'He's everywhere') - Used to describe a bustling midfield performance by, for instance, Wayne Rooney in which the player manages to kick or abuse every single member of the opposing team.

Exclusive - Publishing term denoting the appearance of identical story in not fewer than five rival newspapers.

Exeter (City) - Nickname the Grecians, once chaired by spoon-bending head-the-ball Uri Geller, briefly flirted with having Gazza as manager.

Eyebrows, LittleOne of the greatest Ronisms, thought to be related to heading the ball. Usually performed at the front stick.